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thomas davison

If you simply want to make someone's life a misery, press 3
By Richard Littlejohn
PUBLISHED: 22:25, 5 April 2012 | UPDATED: 22:25, 5 April 2012

The last time we had a water shortage, carloads of vigilantes toured the streets seeking out those flouting the hosepipe ban. Thousands of people were reported to the authorities for watering their lawns or cleaning their cars.

Keith Waterhouse once came up with the concept of an official Narkline for concerned citizens who enjoy grassing up their neighbours � an idea which has been adopted enthusiastically by every agency from the DSS to Crimestoppers. As the latest hosepipe ban gets under way, this column decided to give it a whirl . . .

Shop 'em: Government agencies have enthusiastically embraced the idea of a telephone line via which petty crimes can be reported
Thank you for calling Narkline. Your call is important to us and may be monitored for training purposes. Calls are charged at a standard rate of 20p a minute, plus VAT. Premium customers earning over �150,000 a year can now benefit from our new reduced rate of 45p a minute. Calls are free for customers earning less than �9,205.

All our operators are busy assisting other customers. You are being held in a queue. For Vivaldi, press 1. For that irritating musak they play in hotel lifts, press 2. For Engelbert Humperdinck, press 3. We regret we are unable to offer Handel�s Water Music at this time because of the hosepipe ban.

Hello?

That is not a valid selection. Please listen carefully as our menu options have recently changed. To be kept on hold for 45 minutes, press 1. To be transferred to someone in India who can barely speak English and has no idea what you are talking about, press 2. To be cut off immediately, press 3.

Grass-up: How about a helpline to report people defying the hosepipe ban?
Hello?

Thank you for holding. Your wait-time is currently . . . for-tee-five min-its. You may find it more convenient to visit our website www.narkline.gov.uk.

If you wish to name and shame the bloke next door for watering his hydrangeas and subject him to a torrent of vile abuse from complete strangers, you could use our Twitter feed @grassupyourneighbours.

Hello?

Please listen carefully to the following options. If you want to report someone washing their car, press 1. If you suspect the local golf course is turning on the sprinklers round the greens after dark, press 2. If that stuck-up cow next-door-but-one has been filling her bird bath, press 3.

Hello?

If you would like advice on where to buy exotic breeds of fish so that you can continue topping up your pond with a hosepipe, press 1. If you have evidence that those yuppies in the penthouse flat have been filling their hot tub, press 2.

Hello?

Thank you for holding. Your wait time is currently . . . for-tee-five min-its. Remember, Narkline is not just for the duration of the water shortage, it is an ongoing multi-purpose resource for all public-spirited citizens. For instance, if you have knowledge that a member of your own family is using a service company to avoid tax, press 1.

Hello?

If you think the chap over the road is paying his gardener cash in hand, press 2. If you have seen someone you know to be on disability benefits riding the rollercoaster at Alton Towers, press 3. If you have bought a hot pasty and not been charged the full 20 per cent rate of VAT, press 4.

If you�d like to report that young couple with the flash BMW for taking their children on a skiing holiday during school term-time, press 2. If you are under 16 and would like to report your parents for smoking in their own car, please press 3, and you will be transferred directly to social services, who will be happy to come round with the police and take you into care.

Hello?

Thank you for calling Narkline. Your call is important to us. Please hold for the next available operator. Your wait time is currently . . . for-tee-five min-its. If you are calling for advice on beating the tanker drivers� strike, press 2.

Hello?

If you wish to locate a convenient source of jerry cans, press 1. If you would like advice on storing fuel and you don�t have a garage, press 2. If you have set yourself on fire filling up plastic containers with petrol in your kitchen while cooking the dinner on a gas range, that�s your own stupid fault. What were you thinking? Please replace your handset and dial 999.

Hello?

If you have spotted your neighbours putting out their dustbin on the wrong day, press 1. If you object to the woman in the Post Office wearing a crucifix, press 2. If you simply want to make someone else�s life a misery, press 3.

No joke: All calls are monitored by GCHQ for surveillance purposes...
Hello?

Thank you for calling Narkline. Please wait for the next available operator. Your wait time is currently . . . for-tee-five min-its. All calls are monitored by GCHQ for surveillance purposes and may be used in evidence against you. If you wish to speak to a solicitor, press 1.

Hello?

If you would like to vote for Engelbert Humperdinck, please press the red button on your TV remote.
More...Hosepipe ban threatens Jubilee and Olympic celebrations by shutting down Trafalgar Square fountains
So much for the hosepipe ban: The sprinklers that keep the grass lush outside Parliament are still pumping out water... but from tomorrow the rest of us will face �1,000 fine for washing the patio
Water companies splashed out �4million in bonuses to bosses despite failure to repair leaks

Hello?

Unfortunately we are experiencing some technical difficulties with our switchboard as a result of flooding at our call centre caused by the recent unexpected heavy rainfall.

You are now being transferred to someone in India who can barely speak English and has no idea what you are talking about. If you would rather be cut off, press 3 .